The following is a brief excerpt from my upcoming book, “What’s Next- How to Make Your Next Chapter Your Best Chapter.
Our values are our unconditional beliefs about how we commit to live, demonstrated, and made credible, by our consistent conduct over time.
Two words in this definition deepen and differentiate their true strength. These are unconditional and commit.
Unconditional, in the context of your values, means that you cannot behave situationally or conditionally. You must live your values, no matter the situation or other peoples’ conduct or expectations.
For example, you cannot claim respect as your value but respect only those who respect you in return. You cannot respect only people you like or people with whom you agree on important topics or people whose lifestyle you deem acceptable.
This can be challenging. Why, you may wonder, would you respect someone who does not respect you? Or someone whose worldview is diametrically opposite to yours? Or a drug addict who defecates on your front lawn?
The easy answer is this: You don’t have to. But if you don’t, or can’t, or won’t, you must acknowledge that respect is not one of your values. Instead, understand that respect is your conditional choice based on circumstances and on your judgement as to whether or not another person deserves your respect.
If, though, respect is one of your core values, you must rise above another’s conduct or the situation that you deem to be disrespectful of you. You must look at others from a higher level. You may condemn the act, but you may not condemn the actor.
When you encounter people whose values radically conflict with yours, you’ll experience a hard truth: Living your values can be challenging. When the conflict involves family members, friends, or close co-workers, the challenge will feel even tougher.
That is why you must reflect long and hard before choosing and declaring your values.
If you wish your values to truly serve you, you must remain consciously aware of them every day. When you are not conscious of them, you open the door to your hard-wired instincts – your shadow values – avoidance of discomfort and instant gratification. You’ll discover once again that those instincts can quickly override your values and cause you to behave in unintended ways.
As you proclaim your values, think of yourself as the product you want others to trust. If you don’t live your values, why would anyone trust you?
Do this—in writing with pen and paper
- Write down the names and the meanings of your values.
- List the specific behavioral characteristics that you see as vital to demonstrating the ways you live your listed values.
This list is your starting point. More to follow.